Aaron R. Connor: Brian looks as though his mother and father could have been brother and sister.
William Davis: It must be hard to eat with three lips…
Kermit: My goodness his sleep apnea must be awful!
Aaron R. Connor: No matter how improbable, he looks like a grown up version of the bully in A Christmas Story, but with darker hair.
Kermit: Brian was a member of the “Crunch Bunch,” named ironically because Brian had no teeth and never experienced eating anything harder than a banana.
“Found! Outside of The Lowry in Uptown minneapolis. The one and only Bimbo Coles of the Miami Heat. Card found Sunday April 21st in a puddle. Slight-sever water damage. Going for $1 on eBay. Someone might really be missing this. Let me know.”
This is an actual Craigslist post from 4/21/13 - It’s nice when people help people. Thanks Aaron R. Connor for the link.
Aaron R. Connor: Fat Men in Black: Grab Life By the Meat Balls….
William Davis: Is Jonah Hill in ‘Men In Black 3’?
Kermit: He told his friends that it was a “skinny tie,” but they knew better …they always knew better.
Aaron R. Connor: Due to his numerous off-field legal troubles, Calvin was often frisked by the secondary of opposing teams at the behest of the officials.
William Davis: Sadly, this would not be the last time another man touched Calvin’s penis in front of a camera.
Kermit: I also “dress to the left.”
Aaron R. Connor: Actor Billy Dee Williams for: Vick’s Vapo-Rub…
William Davis: Hey Billy, on the Cloud City of Bespin, did they serve blue milk like they did on Tatooine?
Kermit: When were leather collars ever “in?”
Aaron R. Connor: Is that Carl Weathers’ brother?
William Davis: Does Billy Dee always dress like he’s in space?
Kermit: Is it weird that even though I am not wearing “panties,” they indeed are “wet” just from looking at this card?
Aaron R. Connor: He looks like a collections agent by day and a lounge lizard by night.
Kermit: Todd Blackledge, born and raised in Canton, Ohio, …oh the irony!
William Davis: I wonder how well his being the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan played in the locker room?
Aaron R. Connor: Meanwhile ,over on the fuckin’ sidelines and shit, Blackledge is just chompin’ at the bit.. just fuckin’ waitin’ for Neil O’Donnell’s fuckin’ leg bones to fuckin’ snap or some shit, so he can get his ass in there and kick some mother fuckin’ ass!
William Davis: Noted cousin fucker Todd Blackledge also had a crippling gambling problem …Where’s the punchline?
Kermit: “I think they just took my photo? I can’t fuckin’ wait to go to Wal-Mart and buy my fuckin’ football card!”
William Davis: After the Steelers latest heart breaking loss, Todd ran his hands through his do, fired up his Trans Am, cranked the Whitesnake was never to be seen again.
Aaron R. Connor: It says “if” because there was never a guarantee he was going to make the team.
William Davis: Gardy’s fondness for light hitting infielders makes so much sense now..
William Davis: “LADIES AND GENTLEMAN YOUR 1982 LESS THAN-AMAZING METS!”
Aaron R. Connor: That gaze, as if Jason was tracking a towering fly ball could mean but one thing, Jason had hit into another double-play to end the 9th. Twins lose. Again. Like always.
Kermit: Harmon Killebrew would have been extremely disappointed in Jason’s autograph …and his offensive production with the Twins.
Aaron R. Connor: Perhaps it was the sound of the crack of the bat, but Jason couldn’t help but wonder: “Dear God what is it about the Yankees?! Is there no gap in shallow left center field with these guys?!”
Kermit: May we all celebrate Jason’s choice of facial hair, “the lunatic fringe.”
William Davis: I swear, the chinstrap beard will NEVER go out of style.
Aaron R. Connor: I can’t wait for Major league 5! The poster looks hilarious!
William Davis: Alex Cole was certainly a poor excuse for a baseball player.. But man could he destroy a cob of corn!
Aaron R. Connor: Major League 5: Rise of the Minors
Kermit: As Alex rounded second he saw his third base coach extending his hands up, instructing him to hold up at second base, in less than a second Alex decided that he could beat the throw from right field and went for third. The throw beat him to third “by a mile” as they say and Alex slid right back into the minor leagues.
Aaron R. Connor: This image isn’t so much funny as it is sad… it just hurts my heart to see it! Alex Cole was somebody’s son and yet they let him dress like that on portrait-day!
William Davis: When Alex Cole finally ran out of accessories, he knew his career was over.
Aaron R. Connor: Do you suppose Alex was teased more for his novelty glasses or his profound lisp?
William Davis: For some reason, I have the sudden craving for some Chef Boyardee ravioli.
Kermit: Did you guys know, that the G-Man and the J-Man are pretty close? …and by J-Man I don’t mean Jesus, I mean J Mascis from Dinosaur Jr.
Aaron R. Connor: Often referred to as “Rat-Boy” by his teammates, Gary was not above tipping over garbage cans in the locker room and searching out even the most rotten of morsels for his own consumption after everyone else had showered and headed home to upbraid their loved ones after another humiliating loss to the Oakland A’s.
William Davis: “Gary your batting stance is all wrong”
Kermit: Quoting Texas Ranger from the documentary Taladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, “She said “No, you’re wrong.” I said “You got a lumpy butt.” She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I’m still sittin’ in my dirty pee-pants.” Because Mr. Gaetti did in fact have a “lumpy butt.”
William Davis: Whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned pancake butt?
William Davis: Is there any doubt that there’s a mesh tank top under that windbreaker?
Aaron R. Connor: As he got on in years, a curmudgeonly Bertrand began to look upon all people as possible Hall of Fame candidates.
Kermit: “Circle this Mr. Photographer!”
William Davis: Is this before or after Paula Abdul felated him?
Aaron R. Connor: Going to his “Happy Place” when asked to: “smile for the camera!” Bert reflected on a long life of swearing at fellow pedestrians in passing and then maintaining that he hadn’t said a “DAMN THING!”
Kermit: “Beard trimmed? Check. Shoes tied? Check. Stirrups up? Check. Time to troll for some puss.”
Some stories from my existence rounded out with some funny stuff that I like to do with my friends. Much love to @WilhelmDavis and Aaron R. Connor for making me laugh everyday!
